‘Manos: Hands of Fate’ review

Behold, Manos, your loyal servants await you! Doth thou commandeth us to honor your divinity with a sacrifice? Well, can we please sacrifice ourselves, because we’re not sure how we’re going to live with ourselves after watching your horrid movie. There are many things wrong with “Manos: The Hands of Fate,” (1966) so it isn’t really…

‘The Marine’: we can see you, and you’re terrible

Remember when John Cena wasn’t cracking jokes as an actor; when he was the joke? We were just reminded of that lovely period. For those of you who don’t know, back before he redeamed himself with hilarious turns in both “Trainwreck” and “Sisters,” John Cena’s filmography was mostly cliched action movies or other unforgettable messes….

‘Death Race 2050’: a reboot no one asked for

For all it’s camp and cheesiness, the original “Death Race 2000” was actually a pretty good movie. And what’s more, for a 40 year-old film, it really stands up to the test of time. However, “Roger Corman’s Death Race 2050” is only a few months old, and already positioned in the trash heap of history where…

What we’re hoping for in ‘Best F(R)iends’

Guess who’s back? Back again? Tommy’s back. Tell your friends. That’s right, a trailer was released back in October 2016 for a thriller starring the not-so-dynamic duo, Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero, made infamous by “The Room.” Just judging by the film’s title, “Best F(R)iends,” it would appear viewers will once again be in for…

‘Death Race 2000’: our quick U-turn

Alright, we’ve got to admit right off the bat that “Death Race 2000” (1975) surprised us in more ways than one. But the most important surprise, at least in terms of this blog, was that is wasn’t actually a bad movie. The cult classic is set a dystopian future, featuring a cross-country automobile race that…

Top 10 ‘Samurai Cop’ lines

You probably hoped we were done with “Samurai Cop,” but sorry, we’re not. Today, we focus on the incredible and often dumbfounding language used in the film. From complete cliche to total nonsense, the quotes of ‘Samurai Cop’ are some of the best in the big, bad movie world. The mispronounced and poorly spoken adventures…

‘Samurai Cop II: Deadly Vengance’ (yes, they made a sequel)

“Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengence” is hard evidence that when a filmmaker specifically intends to make a bad movie, its bad, but often in a very unenjoyable way. Even if Tommy Wiseau is involved. Woven from just over $60,000 raised from a Kickstarter project (and possibly some other funds), this sort-of-at-best anticipated sequel is confusing,…

‘Assassin’s Creed’: our review

Finally a good videogame movie, right? Please?! The very fact that we’re reviewing the movie on this blog should tip you off. No, “Assassin’s Creed” wasn’t a good movie; it’s just the latest entry in the pantheon of poorly made movie adaptations of video games. And, unlike the rest of the movies we’ve reviewed here,…

‘Samurai Cop’: a magical misfire

“Samurai Cop” is not your average bad movie. The horrible quotes, shoddy filmmaking and laughable dynamics easily launch the film into bad movie canon, alongside disasterpieces like “The Room.” First and foremost, the film is terrible. Bad acting, horrible dialogue, cringe-worthy audio and tired jokes run free and without worry through the movie’s duration. Yet,…

‘Cowboys Vs. Dinosaurs’: a prehistoric shootout

Well, with a premise like this, what more could we expect? “Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs” is a movie about, well, cowboys batteling dinosaurs. How, you may ask, did these dinosaurs come about these cowboys?” Well, from an underground Iridium mine of course! And once released from thier subterrainian prison, these CG monsters are out for only…

Rough Ones: let’s talk about the ‘Star Wars’ prequels

To celebrate the release of “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” we’ve decided to pay homage to the space adventure franchise’s footprint in our beloved world of bad movies: the prequels. Back in the late 90s, George Lucas and what I would assume to be a crew of CGI assistants set out to tell the…

‘Plan 9 from Outer Space’: Ed Wood’s golden turkey

What do you get when you combine a severe lack of talent, a shoestring budget and a penchant for hubcaps? Why, you get one of the cinema’s most infamous and terrible (but delightful) creations, of course. “Plan 9 from Outer Space” (1959), or, as the narrator erroneously calls it, “Grave Robbers from Outer Space,” is an…