‘American Poltergeist’: a horror of incompetence

Looking for a film with the incompetence of “The Room” without the humor, attempting to be a horror? Look no further.

“American Poltergeist” is one of the worst horror movies we have seen, and probably one of the worst ever made. Keep in mind that Jared went to see “The Grudge 2” in theaters when it came out, so he knows what he’s talking about.

There is almost zero entertainment value in this film. This movie is so utterly inept that it cannot even succeed with the most generic of horror movie tropes; the jump scare. If an antique cash register popping open is supposed to frighten us, then you may as well end the movie there.

The special effects are bland and third-rate, and the story is unoriginal and uninteresting as well. The only respite from mediocrity we get with this film is in the actors themselves, some of whom manage to give at least a few unintentional chuckles. Their performances are largely pretty bad all around, perhaps with Ashley Green Elizabeth (Taryn) giving the least mediocre performance of the ensemble. 

We would be remiss however if we did not at least give a dishonorable mention to the worst of the cast, Donna Spangler (Dianna). Spangler delivers perhaps the most wooden and lifeless performance we have ever seen, and the fact that she is meant to be possessed by a spirit the whole time is no excuse. We never imagined a demonic possession to be so uninteresting and unentertaining as this. Bravo.

Additionally, this film is founded on eyeroll-worthy cliches. All of it has been done before, and done much better. The end will make you jump out of your chair, but only because you are sprinting away from the angering film.

In the end, “American Poltergeist” is a pretty shitty film, with only the occasionally and unintentionally funny performances from the actors as a positive. Luckily for us, this movie only clocks in at 78 minutes in length, so we could get to chugging bleach even faster (editors note: please do not chug bleach). 

This film earns its 1 1/2 Cage rating, and just for giggles, this film gets a 2 Clorox rating as well.

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