‘Twilight’: working the sulk

Be still, our throbbing hormones. Today, we reminisce on an awkward, alto high school girl and her pale vampire boyfriend, who’s stalking tendencies she somehow finds endearing.

That’s right kids; it’s “Twilight.”

Excluding the gaggles of high school bloodsuckers that rushed to the theater for the 2008 film, “Twilight” generally has a a poor reputation, and for good reason. The movie sucks (no pun intended).

The plot essentially revolves around lord of glitter Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) being a real creep and stalking his high-school classmate Bella (Kristen Stewart) as if she were a deer, until the inevitable damsel-in-distress scenario arrises and he rescues her. Then they have dinner and start hanging out more until Edward reveals to Bella (who already suspects it mind you) that he’s a vampire. And instead of getting the hell outta dodge, she makes the inarguably stupid decision to date him.

Vampire shenanigans (and baseball) ensue, and you have “Twilight.”

This movie demonstrates to its audience that the coolest people to date are emotionally tortured, controlling, undead vessels who are tempted to kill you at all times. But who can blame her? Edward worked the sulk like no one has ever seen.

The acting in this film is sub-par, and the character development is not really there at all. Every character is a screaming exaggeration of what they should be, except perhaps Charlie (Billy Burke) and Billy (Gil Birmingham). They’re pretty funny, and they do a good job. Everyone else is funny too, but mainly because they aren’t good.

We have to put up with a ton of cheesy, boring dialogue, and Edward running around the woods like Taz. The movie is more of a “lover” not a “fighter,” but the showdown between the Cullen family and the Derek Trucks vampire is the climax of a whole lotta build, and it delivers a whole lotta nothing.

Oh, and let’s not forget about this atrocity.

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Bro…Vampire baseball. What will they think of next?

If you can’t get enough “Twilight” bashing, fear not, we’re going to publish our “Top 10 Favorite Moments” of the flick later this week. Trust us, we have more to say.

This movie has some flaws that are fun to laugh at, but all in all, it’s really boring. Two cages from us.

Cage O’Meter: img_0014-7 img_0014-2

 

 

 

 

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