You probably hoped we were done with “Samurai Cop,” but sorry, we’re not. Today, we focus on the incredible and often dumbfounding language used in the film.
From complete cliche to total nonsense, the quotes of ‘Samurai Cop’ are some of the best in the big, bad movie world. The mispronounced and poorly spoken adventures of samurai cop Joe Marshall and his partner Frank Washington shan’t soon be forgotten. Here’s our top 10.
Note: These don’t all consist of just one line. There are several exchanges that we’ve included with more than one line. Yes, we’re cheating. Go cry about it, why don’t you.
10. Son of a bitches
Our number 10 quote demonstrates our hero Joe Marshall’s misunderstanding of grammar in plural situations.
Joe: “Now I’m telling these son-of-a-bitches that we respect the Japanese of this country, who are honest businessmen.”
9. The eye reader
Number nine consists of Joe explaining to his love interest how he know she would come home with him.
Joe: “Let’s just say I can read eyes.”
This sounds like a line one might hear in a film noir written by Donald Trump.
8. Charcoal black
This weird, mark-missing race joke almost guarantees a hard eye roll, if not audible sigh.
Frank: “God, man, look what they done to my car. Captain Roma’s gonna burn my ass.”
Joe: “Yeah, he’s gonna burn it… charcoal black.”
Frank: “It is black.”
Joe: “Right on.”
I have no words. Ok, maybe seven.
7. The neighbor
The next words are spoken from captain redundant himself.
Joe: “I have a neighbor next door.”
6. Keep it warm
Joe’s ladies’s man attempt comes out more like a creepy line from a used car salesman.
Joe: “I may stop by, so keep it warm.”
5. Japanese fluency
This next one is a two-parter, so buckle up.
Yamahita: “He (Joe) speaks fluent Japanese.”
Then, later in the movie:
Joe: “What’s-his-name… Omaha, Yamaha, whatever-his-face’s name is…”
A true expert, indeed.
4. Who died?
This next exchange takes place when our heroes are investigating a restaurant that the bad guys like to hang out in.
Waiter: “Her mother owns the place.”
Joe: “Where’s her father?”
Waiter: (Points to his head, imitating a gun) “Bang!”
Frank: “Killed? Who shot him?”
Joe: “Who’s ‘Him?’
Joe: “Oh, he committed suicide.”
This exchange reads like a poorly executed, twisted Abbot and Costello routine.
3. The gift
This awkward scene reminds viewers again that Frank is indeed black, and mentions his “gift.”
Henchman: (threatening to cut off Frank’s member) “I could kill you now or I can relieve you of this gift. This black gift. In a split second you won’t enjoy yourself for the rest of your life. All I want is Samurai’s address. His address!”
This is only the second most awkward and bizarre exchange in this movie.
2. The club
One of the more famous lines of the film involves the police chief describing his woes in a unique way
Police Captain: “I feel like someone’s stuck a big club up my ass…and it hurts…I gotta figure out a way to get it outta there.”
One of the best lines in this movie. We’ve all been there, chief. We’ve all been there.
1. What a flirt
Our NUMBER ONE exchange in this film take place in the hospital, as Joe’s attempt to flirt with a nurse turns into awkward emasculation and insecurity about the size of his bulge.
Nurse: “Do you like what you see?”
Joe: “I love what I see.”
Nurse: “Would you like to touch what you see?”
Joe: “Yes. Yes I would.”
Nurse: “Would you like to go out with me?”
Joe: “Uh, yes I would.”
Nurse: “Would you like to fuck me?”
Nurse: “Well then let’s see what you’ve got…”
(Investigates his bulge. Yes, actually grabs it)
Nurse: “Doesn’t interest me. Nothing there.”
Joe: “Nothing there? Just exactly what would interest you, something the size of a jumbo jet?”
Nurse: “Have you been circumcised?”
Joe: “Yeah I have, why?”
Nurse: “Your doctor must have cut a large portion off.”
Joe: “No uh, he was a, he was a good doctor.”
Nurse: “Good doctors make mistakes too, that’s why they have insurance.”
Joe: “Hey… don’t worry. I got enough. It’s big.”
Nurse: “I want bigger.”
Setting aside the many offensive and strange areas this conversation explores, at least they touched on something super sexy and flirtatious: insurance. This exchange takes place early in the movie, and really sets the stage for the fantastic disaster to come.
Well, we hope you enjoyed the list! Adios, until next time.