‘Assassin’s Creed’: our review

Finally a good videogame movie, right? Please?!

The very fact that we’re reviewing the movie on this blog should tip you off. No, “Assassin’s Creed” wasn’t a good movie; it’s just the latest entry in the pantheon of poorly made movie adaptations of video games.

And, unlike the rest of the movies we’ve reviewed here, we had really hoped that “Assassin’s Creed” wouldn’t qualify for the blog. We, like many others, were still praying for Hollywood to actually NOT destroy our hopes and dreams regarding video game movies. The “Assassin’s Creed” games have always been a blast to play, and the actors involved in the movie adaptation have some serious talent. Michael Fassbender, Marion Cottilard, Jeremy Irons…come on, man, what the hell?

It’s not right to blame the actors; they’re not the ones who destroyed this movie. No one turned in a bad performance (well, Jeremy Irons was a little lackluster, but still not bad). It was everything else that sucked pretty hard, enough to send “Assassin’s Creed” fanboys home crying.

Tell us, just how do you make a movie about assassins, set several hundred years ago in the Spanish Inquisition, boring? Well, ask the people who made this garbage and they’ll tell you how. Take the three animus-scenes (you know, the ONLY interesting parts of the movie) and place them in between the present-day scenes, featuring a somehow-even-more boring and dreary Abstergo run by an antagonist who makes the already underwhelming villain of the video game series even less impressive.

This movie does, however, at least stick to it’s source material in terms of plot, which gives us mixed feelings. On the one hand, this will please the die-hard fans who want a more faithful adaptation. On the other hand, the plot IS the most ridiculous thing about “Assassin’s Creed,” and by focusing so much on this absurd plot, it weighs down the good bits which were already few and far between.

Sorry, but a magic apple which gives people the power to control everyone else? No thanks, just stick to the swords and hidden blades please.

In the end, it must be said that this movie just flat-out sucked. The action scenes and choreography were admittedly good, but that’s really it. This isn’t the type of movie that we want you all to go out and see to laugh at, as not even a drunk audience would find much to appreciate. 1 1/2 Cages is all we can muster for this movie, and to all the movie producers in the world we beg: please make a video game movie that doesn’t suck.

Or, just don’t make one at all.

Cage O’Meter:  img_0014-8img_0055

Main Author: Jared Kirk

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