To celebrate the release of “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” we’ve decided to pay homage to the space adventure franchise’s footprint in our beloved world of bad movies: the prequels.
Back in the late 90s, George Lucas and what I would assume to be a crew of CGI assistants set out to tell the story of Anakin Skywalker, the iconic figure who would change from an optimistic and gifted child to a fierce, militant villain.
What we got was a racist and annoying alien, an annoyingly bad kid actor, an annoyingly whiny young adult actor, horrible wannabe Shakespearean dialogue, a story that didn’t particularly add up, vastly overused CGI and a director who put merchandise sales over film quality.
Well, that happens all the time, but he could have at least TRIED to make good movies.
Because the internet is already filled to the brim with detailed roastings of all of these films, we’re going to be very brief. But we thought you should know where we stand.
Anyway, here’s our take on the three prequels, complete with a Cage O’Meter ratings. We’re not bothering to add a “where to watch” section, because these things are as available as the air we breathe. We’re also not going to include plot summaries because…it’s “Star Wars.” C’mon folks. If you need them, IMDB does a great job.
“Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” (1999)
I suppose we’ll start with this garbage. Jar Jar, bad acting, scenes of boring senate negotiation and bad CGI plague the runtime of this monstrosity, but a few laughs do happen here and there. The complete lack of knowledge, effort and know-how from one of the most respected film names of all time might be the best part. I love failure.
“Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones” (2002)
Enter newly pubescent Hayden Christensen delivering shitty romantic lines with the conviction and experience of an eighth grader auditioning for the lead in the musical. This is probably my favorite bad movie in the prequels; the forced romance is so cringe-worthy it is actually hard to watch. Hayden also says some very creepy things and makes some very creepy faces. “Please don’t look at me like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable” is something Padme (Natalie Portman) actually said. He made us all uncomfortable.
“Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith” (2005)
The third installment of this horrid trilogy is by far the best, but it is still far from good. There’s more bad dialogue and cheese carrying over from the second film, but to its credit, things actually happen in this movie. The best parts, however, all involve Palpatine’s weird sex faces and power fetish. Not to mention the classic “dew it” line. Gets me every time.
Main Author: Brandon Semler