‘3-Headed Shark Attack’: swim at your own risk

In the middle of  watching “3-Headed Shark Attack”,  Jared’s cat used his bed as a litter box, which improved the quality of his evening significantly, if only for a few short moments.

This 2015 sequel to 2012’s “2-Headed Shark Attack” (which we have not and probably WILL NOT see) uses the elements of film about as well as it uses the English language in its big tagline, “more heads, more deads.”

In the previous review for the film “The Wicker Man”, it was noted that production companies like SyFy and The Asylum tend to produce movies that obviously have low production value, and are undeniably and intentionally terrible. This one, boasting both companies in its credits, is no exception.

Even it terms of bad movies, this film misses the mark. For the most part, it fails to be the one thing a bad movie needs to be: enjoyable.

First off, lets begin with what the film does right: a three-headed shark eating people in ridiculous scenarios, and Danny Trejo. Afterall, thats the point of the film, right? To see a horrible (and I do mean horrible) CGI shark kill its way to our hearts?

It is pretty awesome seeing a three-headed shark, composed of Jimmy Neutronesque animation, leap 50 feet into the air while simultaneously eating three people. And Danny Trejo was pretty cool, for the approximate three minutes of screentime he got before being (spoiler alert) eaten by the aforementioned shark(s?)

And that’s were the fun stops. Literally everything else about the movie sucks more than a $500 Dyson vacuum. The acting, the dialogue, the props, the editing, the plot, the special effects, and the list goes on and on.

But all of that is well and good. The main problem is that the movie was boring as hell.

We’re not sure where the casting director found these actors (except for Trejo), but he/she presumably found them in a diner outside the studio. Most surprising of the bad actors was WWE wrestler Rob Van Dam, who makes his living from fake wrestling, the ultimate form of pretending! He quite easily limboed under the very low bar the other actors had established.

There are so many continuity mistakes here that it boggles the mind. We’re only going to mention one here because If we spend much more time thinking about this crime-against-humanity of a film, one of us will end up in a straight jacket. Rob Van Dam’s character Stanley loses his hand to the shark, and is later seem swiming with his FUCKING HAND STILL ATTACHED. Would it have been that freakin’ difficult to, I dunno, REMOVE his hand with some of that glorious CGI budget?

Continuity mistakes in glorious bad movies such as “Samauri Cop” are fine. But this one really bored us, so we’re mad about them.

Aside from the funny cornball shark attacks, this movie was just a lot of bad dialogue read by bad performers, which was humorous at the beginning, but got old fast.

Oh, and there’s also gratuitous nudity. No shocker there.

In summary, this movie would be much better if viewed while drunk, if at all. We’ve decided that this film gets a paltry two Cages, and only because of the gratuitous shark-on-human violence. And Danny Trejo. He’s always worth at least two Cages.

Cage O’Meter:      birth-control-jpegbirth-control-jpeg

Main authors: Brandon Semler and Jared Kirk

Where to Watch: Netflix, Amazon Prime, Youtube, DVD/Blu-Ray 

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