Netflix Bad Movie of the Month: ‘The Wicker Man’

We’re hoping this review will “bee” worth your time.


This is the inaugural Bad Movie Night with Brandon and Jared, and oh boy, did we pick a shit storm for you.

Why start with “The Wicker Man,” you might ask? Well, it holds a special place in our hearts.

It is the first movie we picked out, sat down and intentionally subjected ourselves to, and then, of course, incinerated so that no one would ever be subjected to its horrors again. Of course, that last part was just a visceral reaction to that level of awfulness; upon reflection we decided that we actually enjoyed it, albeit in a masochistic way.

Where does one start with this one? It’s hard for us to focus our thoughts after such a thorough scrambling of the senses. Jared, for instance, had to be restrained and monitored very closely to prevent him from charging headfirst into a brick wall at the halfway point in the film.

“The Wicker Man” has a reputation as one of the better-known terrible Nic Cage movies, and upon viewing for a second time, we can definitely see why. Although it is a god-awful trainwreck, it has a much higher production value than the many intentional terrible films (anything produced by The Asylum or SyFy) and was clearly meant come off as more than a physical comedy about a man with inexplicable hair. But alas, it does not.

The movie fails so epicly because it tries desperately to be something it’s not: a suspenseful thriller. Watching Cage search frantically for the answers to his many questions is unintentionally hilarious at the best of times, but also mind-numbingly dull at the worst. But it is never suspenseful. Unless of course, you are in suspense as to whether or not Cage will find any meaningful work after this film (spoiler alert, the answer is no).

The following lines are actually in the movie:

“Hey what’s in the bag anyways? A shark or something?”

“I’d just like a room and a meal, can you swing it?”

“How’d it get burned??? How’d it get burned? How’d it get burned?”

“Phallic symbol. Phallic symbol.”

And of course, the payoff: “THE BEES!”

The Wicker Man is an unintentional comedy at the best of times, but these times are few and far between, at least until the end draws near (and he triumphantly scrambles around on his bicycle and punches Paganfolk while in a bear suit).

Until then, you just hope those damn CGI bees can finish him off, or that he, you know, just leaves. Seriously, nothing is worth you (spoiler alert) being sacrificed to the Goddess or whatever in a super gruesome, tortuous way. The only person who deserves to die that way is whomever decided Nicolas Cage’s hair looked good like that.

Cage O-Meter:     birth-control-jpegbirth-control-jpegbirth-control-jpeg

Main author: Jared Kirk

Where to Watch: Netflix, Amazon Prime, Youtube, DVD/Blu-Ray

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